Rapture gets rescheduled by South African prophet

South African doomsday enthusiast and part-time preacher Joshua Mhlakela has once again shuffled the celestial calendar, claiming the “Rapture” is now pencilled in for early October. This comes after his original divine RSVP for 23 or 24 September, which, rather embarrassingly, didn’t go off.

Speaking on the Centtwinz TV YouTube channel, Mhlakela bravely addressed the minor inconvenience of the world not ending, confidently announcing that it was all a mix-up between calendars. Jesus is apparently a Julian calendar guy, not a fan of the more widely used Gregorian one.

“The 7th and 8th of October is the real Feast of the Trumpets. I’m a billion per cent sure,” he declared, with the same level of certainty one might reserve for misplacing their car keys.

Mhlakela explained that after a spiritual debrief with the Almighty, he was told: “Days from now, I will Rapture my church.” Based on his hotline to heaven, the new deadline for Earth’s expiration is 7 or 8 October. No need to cancel your weekend plans just yet.

Justifying why his original divine heads-up didn’t quite match reality, Mhlakela said: “That’s why it didn't make sense to me why the Rapture never took place.” He also encouraged his followers to “keep the lamp burning” and to not let “the fire of faith in you go out,” presumably so they can see what doesn’t happen next.

Meanwhile, Afrikaner gospel singer and part-time prophet Danie Botha issued a heartfelt apology to his fans after hitching his theological credibility to Mhlakela’s failed cosmic Uber ride.

“I am very, very sorry,” said Botha, adding he was “disappointed and heartbroken” and, more tragically, financially lighter. Still, ever the optimist, he claimed there were still “signs of the ‘end times’” even if they remain on backorder.

He’s since gone radio silent on social media, presumably waiting for the next revelation or perhaps just a decent Wi-Fi signal from the God.

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