Satan snubs Hellmouth Ritual

It seems that the Prince of Darkness snubbed David “Hug a Satanist” Griffin and his new chum EA “I am a Living God” Koetting’s attempt to open a hell mouth in the Nevada Desert.

An eyewitness said that Koetting started to do the ritual, and there was a light wind and dust, which was nothing special given that it happens every five minutes outside Vegas. Certainly, the sky was not rent in twain, and the whore of Babylon did not make an appearance on her five-headed beast. There was not even an earthquake, and not even the smallest rocks split. It was not so much God shuffling his feet as Satan having a yawn.

There was none of the Apocalypse that Koetting bragged online about creating, “no portal to hell opened,” and there was “no scar in the desert which would take years to weather away”.

Satan: No Show

Koetting told the bemused spectators that the purpose of the ritual was not about opening a portal to hell at all. He must have known that they would have thought that because it was what he said on the Internet. So, to make up for their obvious disappointment, he said that the ritual was really designed to make them all Gods. Our eyewitness was a little confused but did not mention his sudden elevation to Godhood or what he would be doing with his newfound powers.

This was probably because NOTHING HAPPENED. It was classic dark fluff in action. Firstly, it was billed as the end of the world, but it wasn’t. It was then stated to transform you into a God. It did not. It was all hard-sell internet hype.

Now, David and Koetting might have gotten away with it had they not ignored the basic rule of magic “Be Silent” and bemused a few of their more stupid followers. Instead, they told everyone who would listen that they could open a portal to hell, and it turned out that they couldn’t open hell’s catflap. They claimed that they could turn people into Gods and yet they are the same. As far as dark magic is concerned, they are the Order of the Chocolate Teapot, and his infernal Highness was clearly not impressed.

Now some think we have been a little hard on David and his Satanist chums, but as one of our mates who runs a dark magic group points out, “this sort of shit just makes everyone look stupid.”

So now, David and Koetting can add “lowering the reputation of black magic” to their CV.

Still, we wonder what this means about David’s other claims on his website. He bravely claims that his Order MAKES MAGICIANS. We thought that one of the primary things about magicians was that they could do magic?

Before the Ritual

After the rite

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