Putin jails “favourite witch” despite years of loyal spells

Russian despot Vladimir Putin has dumped his most loyal witch in jail, even after years of magical devotion and magical support for his regime.

Alyona Polyn, 45, known in less enchanted circles as Elena Sulikova, has been sentenced to two years behind bars for “extremism and insulting the feelings of believers.” This, after she organised covens of self-proclaimed witches to cast spells boosting Putin and sending his enemies “back to the abyss.”

We are not sure that the intention is correct. Enemies of Putin are unlikely to have come from any abyss.

Ukrainian intelligence didn’t see it as harmless hocus pocus. Kyiv’s SBU security service said she was “not only involved in magic and esotericism, but also recruiting new members… outside Russia on the instructions of the FSB.” Her witches were allegedly told to spy on Ukrainian troop movements and feed the data straight to Moscow’s spies.

It's unclear when everything went pear-shaped for Polyn. For some reason, the Russian security forces raided her place and reportedly found an altar surrounded by ritual knives, dried bats, voodoo gear, tarot decks, demon portraits, and skulls. There were herbs, crystals and the usual occult clutter—all very on-brand for someone who once acted like Putin’s personal high priestess.

She’d been considered close to the FSB and SVR, with Russian media linking her efforts directly to state-backed operations. But clearly, even the dark arts couldn’t shield her once she became too much of a liability.

Facing Putin's displeasure automatically meant the courts would find her guilty. There would have been no need for her to be checked to see if she weighed more than a duck as this would have been a higher legal standard normally seen in Putin's Russia.

Still, it could have been worse; Polyncould have been pushed out a window. We guess Putin was worried she might fly. 

Putin himself isn’t exactly a stranger to weird rituals. He’s long been rumoured to dabble in the occult and pagan mysticism. His ultra-secretive palace in the Altai Mountains reportedly houses a nuclear-proof bunker and a deer antler bloodbath spa, where screaming stags are drained for their “rejuvenating” fluids. The concoction is said to boost virility and keep the old guard feeling young and powerful.

So while Polyn’s witchcraft earns her a prison cell, the man she tried to protect is soaking in blood and ruling from a cave. Magical loyalty, it turns out, only gets you so far in Putin’s Russia.